wants to go to SPAIN!!
and do painting there..

meanwhile, gotta fix my aptm fst. needs couch, curtain, the curtain sticks, mini ac.
n dying to get a baby..n have none..
remembering a friend of mine, advice me to stop believing n waiting for love.
'i'd better be with this guy who does the efforts to have me, for me.. than waiting for a man's love who never tried to make you happy..'
wake up NG, she said. 'look at me, happy, two children. i was waiting for another guy, before he came. you know that, NG.. but this new guy, not more handsome, nor rich, he's efforting much for me. show me that he cares, just making me feel important. that's the guy we need, NG. not some guys suit our dream..those guys never tried to make you happy, they don't even care.. especially when they see you as a free girl like this, NG..guys always looking for obedient girl.they will stop and leave before they know the real you..'

i was stabbed. those words torn me perfectly.
yet, i still can not accept.
i'm still believing in what my heart says. i still believe in love, that i will have the guy i love n love me back. just like what nat king cole said: the greatest thing in live is to love and be loved in return. and i will have that. i can not surender for the obligation of be wed and urge of having babies and marrying person i don't love deeply, since that is not what i am. my willful heart guides me to choose everything i do.
now, my (coupled-)friends suggestions made me rethink.. should i lie? and stop? do the obligation and forgeting what my heart says?
..
no, i can't.
i was born illogical and i still am.
i believe in my willful heart.
im sorry some guys, can not accept you..
im still a stupid girl..
who can not escaped from the attractiveness of the energy of these men fulfilling their dreams with guts..
and drawing people's attention to his as a center of population..
but men with those energy, usually the men who decided to leave.. asking for obedient girls..stop and leave before they know the real NG..

'your love is illogical. unrealistic. absurd. be real, girl!' my guy friends said many times, suggesting me to have a healthy mind and choose for the available good breeds around me.
'gosh, no mates, the love i want to find in a man is the love that grows me. evolving my cells into the most evolved shape that don't stop growing. thus he needs to accept and believe in my ability. as i do to his'
is that illogical, mates?

ah, i'm wordless, mate..
just have to keep my feet walk, my fingers do, and my brain creates..

i just can't stop from being what i am..